evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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