New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
