I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
