So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize