Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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