New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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