forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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