Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
