Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
