I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
