when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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