i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
