Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
