i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She announced her abortion via fbk
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
