Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The beers last night were like the tears from god
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
