Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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