Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
