dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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