I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
