I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
