I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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