Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
