He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
