The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
