i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
