I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
