If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We smell like vodka and hangover
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