It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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