We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
