Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
