"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
