I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize