life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
