I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
