im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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