No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
