You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
