If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
