I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
