Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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