I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we made out on top of his cat.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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