theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
