I am puke
He felt like a one man threesome
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
