i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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