he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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