i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
