You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
