watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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