Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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