Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
