I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I want is dick and wine.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
