she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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