I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize