We named our party play list daddy issues
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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