No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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