I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize