Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
